Breaking News:Earth's axis changes direction! Time magazine exposes NASA's LIES and Washington Post discovers climate change made the zodiac fall away from its stars
Deborah Houlding | 27 September 2016
The respected media corporation Time has just exposed the shocking news that the Earth's axis has changed direction. In a news release published yesterday (Monday 26 September 2016), Time explained:
"Back in 2011, as TIME reported, astronomers from the Minnesota Planetarium Society found that because of the moon's gravitational pull on Earth, the alignment of the stars has shifted. As Earth's axis changed direction, the disruption resulted in a big change ... "
This groundbreaking event will literally break the ground. It will then cause the destruction of the Earth. Contrary to what more than 86% of the public currently believe to be happening, the rotational change of the Earth's axis forces the Sun to rise in the west and set in the east.
Many astronomical experts and trusted media authorities have confirmed each other's accounts of this astronomical catastrophe. Reports are coming in of widespread fear, panic and anger, as members of the public all around the world ponder the impact that the Earth's change of rotational spin and impending destruction will have on their horoscope signs.
NASA has taken to Tumblr to release a statement that this phenomenom is not their fault. No, NASA has not actually done anything to change the direction of the Earth's axis; they "just did the math".
A NASA spokesman explained that this devastating event should be blamed on the ancient Babylonians. The change in direction of the Earth's axis is the result of the unlucky associations attributed to the number 13, and the fact that the Babylonians failed to recognize 13 constellations in the area of space covered by the zodiac (as they were supposed to do, according to NASA). The problem is that the ancient Babylonians recognized at least 17 constellations in this area of the sky, and so failed to deliberately and mysteriously overlook a 13th zodiac sign that could have been named after the constellation Ophiuchus, (their astronomy was impeded by the fact that Ophiuchus as a constellation did not exist when the Babylonians started to use the zodiac in the 6th century BC). The ominous astronomical effect is technically difficult to falsely explain, but NASA has been careful to issue a sufficiently unclear explanation in a clarification that was targetted specifically at children and idiots. The astronomical effect seems to be something similar to that caused by not inviting the 13th fairy to Sleeping Beauty's christening.
In Time's report, the astronomical mechanics of what actually happened have been helpfully simplified: as the Earth's axis changed direction, astronomers were able to notice that the zodiac's twelve divisions (traditionally used to mark the movement of planets by degrees of celestial longitude on the ecliptic) suddenly slipped away from the constellations, so now the astronomical zodiac can only be seen one month after the constellations are actually observed. This means that horoscope columns can no longer be trusted to represent the cutting edge of modern western science, and NASA has issued a statement to say that it cannot do astrology.
The Washington Post was able to establish that climate change is the reason why "the clock hand of the zodiac has been wound back", and has rightly pointed out that this is only one of a number of recent occasions when the media have discovered that the combined effect of the unlucky constellation Ophiuchus and discovery of the Earth's shifting axis "have thrown the zodiac into limbo".
As if having the Earth's axis change direction were not controversy enough, Time has also discovered that NASA blatantly lied in their public announcement when they tried to wash their hands of responsibility for changing the relationship between Heaven and Earth. NASA adamantly asserted that they did not make any changes that would affect the definition of the time-honored zodiac. Answering directly to the charge of changing the direction of the Earth's axis and messing with the zodiac's astrological signs, NASA declared "Nope, we definitely didn't...". Nonetheless, Time has little time (pun) for NASA's lies, and has contradicted NASA's account with a sensational exposť:
"... there was more - a whole new astrological sign. Anyone born between Nov. 29 and Dec. 17 was now paired up with a new sign, Ophiuchus."
But if you do believe in your horoscope, the good news is that all of this may not be true. Although the media's imagined invention of a new zodiac sign has shown your whole life to be a lie, and revealed that the future of the Earth is short and bleak, it seems your tattooed star sign can still be shown with pride.
Astrologers argue that, even if ancient astronomers did not know the Earth could change the direction of its axis, it makes no difference to the dates of the zodiac's star signs because they are nothing to do with the constellations anyway! Apparently, the defining astronomical principle of the zodiac is that it remains fixed to the Earth's axis no matter how much the Earth spins around, falls away from the poles, changes direction, or jiggles in space.
The lyrics of the song give a simple explanation of how the starting point of the zodiac (the 1st degree of our horoscope sign Aries), is currently moving out of the constellation Pisces and into the constellation Aquarius. This cosmic shift will instigate the start of a whole "New Age", which will be blessed with "harmony and understanding, sympathy and trust, and no more falsehood and derisions in the media's reports upon astrology". The New Age begins in the second half of this century. NASA is still doing the math to establish exactly when it commences astronomically, but astrologers predict it will be "When the moon is in the seventh house, and Jupiter aligns with Mars".
But still, the astrologers failed to predict that the Earth would change the direction of its axis, so can we really trust them any more than we can trust Time's misleading report of NASA's lies?
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